I’ve got to bring you up to date without boring you. One way to do that is to start with a major story turn to arouse curiosity, then work backwards. I’ll give that a try, see how it goes.
Just going to add some pics from my files.
Yesterday I had a classic ‘movie moment,’ by which I mean a moment in real life that is strikingly and personally reminiscent of a powerful/meaningful scene in a movie. No Country for Old Men is the movie, a humdinger of a Coen Brothers effort, no?
The scene is the coin toss one. Although there are several in the film, I’m thinking of the one with the gas station owner, when Anton Chigurh forces the attendant to call heads or tails, with the viewer by now aware that a ‘missed’ call will mean death.
That’s the scene. A great scene, IMO, for many reasons, but what comes to mind is the role ‘luck’ or ‘fate’ or whatever plays in all our lives, writ large and insane in this brilliant, brief movie moment.
Okay, yesterday I was at a truck repair shop, where I’d brought my rig. The ‘Check Engine’ light had begun flashing. If you look up what you should do when this happens you’ll find advice like, ‘Pull over immediately and call a tow truck,’ no matter how the engine itself seems to be running. I didn’t do this – I pulled over briefly but only to look up a repair shop, which was about 30 miles away. I got there without incident.
Addendum: The boat’s gone, as is most of my money, but that (admittedly vital) detail is for an upcoming post.
So I’m at the garage talking to the fellow behind the desk, who had just done a reading from the OBD (on board diagnostics) device, which communicates with the vehicle’s mainframe computer. I wrote down the code so I could check it myself, having gotten used to auto repair thieves and liars. As it turns out, everything he told me was true, more or less. (As with most people, he did not understand how ‘chance’ actually works, which I’ll explain in a bit.)
Addendum: That all vehicles from about the mid 1990s on are under the ‘control’ of an onboard computer is a subject that should be of great interest to any thinking person. When you have a moment, look into how journalist Michael Hastings died. Also, another Carrington Event would likely permanently disable every vehicle…. ahh, never mind for now.
‘It could be a lot of things,’ the fellow tells me. ‘Could be a loose wire. Could be you need a new engine.’ He lets that sink in, then assures me that they’ll get to the bottom of it, and suggests I go to the customer lounge, watch TV and relax.’
At this point we have to do a flashback: It’s 20 years ago and I’m taking care of my dying mom, meanwhile writing In Search of Captain Zero. My father had died a few months before, of a stroke.
If you’ve studied Electric Universe, you know how important these petroglyphs are.
Toward the end of Mom’s life, being with her and watching the process of her dying of cancer, I made up my mind that this would never happen to me. I’d figure out a way to check out before I lost control of my movements and mental processes; I also did not want to experience that sort of physical pain.
I remember exactly when I made this decision: it was the night before Mom passed away. I was using an eyedropper to put morphine on her tongue; I’d been giving her double doses, but did not have it in me to try to end her apparent suffering with a blatant overdose. (For the last week she was mostly unconscious, so I could not tell if she was in actual physical pain.)
This was one of those decisions that you know you will follow through on. There was, and is, no doubt that should the time come, I’ll exit this world by my own hand, rather than go through ‘the process’ Mom experienced.
All sorts of things have happened since Mom died; if you’ve read my last two books, you know about some of it. I’ve led a fairly crazy life, mostly due to my own decisions, but also due to ‘luck,’ ‘fate,’ whatever the Anton Chigurh character is referring to in his coin toss moments: ‘This coin got here the same way you did,’ and so forth.
‘What are the odds?’ I ask the garage guy, referring to his ‘loose wire’ or ‘you need a new engine’ diagnosis. (As I said in a previous post, HTWRW, how the world really works, can be broken down to Chance & Necessity. But let me come back to that.)
‘At this point, it’s a coin toss.’ In terms of actuarial probability it actually wasn’t a ‘coin toss’ (50-50), but the effect of his words – given my fear/distrust of devices with more than two moving parts — were such that it might as well have been.
Another flashback is necessary here. Saladita Mexico, around 2008, and I’m in the midst of making Water Time; Surf Travel Diary of a MadMan. I’m getting old, not like now (I’m really old now), and although I could not have complained about my circumstances at that time (living on the beach, surfing every day, and so forth), and although I felt that the film I was making was important, I also had a bad premonition about how my life would… well, end up. And not just in the sense of how Mom’s ended up.
If you’ve seen Water Time you might remember an interview I did with another surfer… shit, I’m blanking his name… on second thought, it’s unlikely you’ll remember this…
…come to think, it’s interesting that this moment made the final edit. It’s not related to the drift of the story and I was pretty merciless with cutting irrelevant stuff. For some reason I left this in. The other surfer mentions that a couple months previously I was ‘getting more waves than anybody (at the break)’ – which is surf-speak for surfing really well (maybe as well or better than the rest), but now I ‘seem bummed out’ – surf-speak for surfing poorly.
Point being, at about age 62 I was going downhill, at least in terms of timing and athletic panache. And it did happen that suddenly. Boom.
Although I finished the film and believe it is important, like my surfing, my thought processes are not what they once were. I try to make up for this using the rules of critical thinking that I’ve learned over the past decade, but fear rears whenever I lose my train of thought or can’t recall something (like the other surfer’s name).
Point being that back around then (2008), I added dementia to my reason for checking out by my own hand, before it becomes truly debilitating. (Yes, there is a catch-22 here, related to ‘knowing’ when you’re falling into dementia…)
Simultaneous with this decision, I added one other circumstance that would warrant an early check out: If I’m ever ‘on the street’ and unable to continue my research into HTWRW. See, by this time I was fully aware that virtually nothing… nothing important that people believe… is true. Nothing about history (short or long term), or even the sciences is what we’ve been told. Some of these untruths are a result of human ignorance, but the vast majority are outright, conscious lies on the part of the PTB. Most of you reading this already understand that this is the case.
Maybe you can see where this is going, and how the ‘movie moment’ figures in. A ‘loose wire’ would put me back on the road again, whereas a ‘new engine’ would put me on the streets, since I did not have the money for a new engine.
Sitting in the lounge, waiting for the verdict from the mechanic, I was considering my options. I have a (legal) firearm, which I bought for both protection and in case one of my (now three) ‘circumstances’ transpired. I also have some pills that would probably do it – or at least knock me out, in which case the rig’s propane system would finish the job. I was considering these options, and how I’d phrase emails I’d have to write to a couple friends — including Logan, who promised to take care of Gus ‘in the event of my death’ (gotta love that phraseology).
I wasn’t particularly upset, believe it or not, considering the sort of ‘to do’ list I was mulling.
Addendum: Sitting in the lounge, the thought experiment referred to as Schrodinger’s Cat did not come to mind, although it could have, and how it relates to ‘Chance & Necessity.’ (If you’re not familiar with this, look it up.) See, in actuality, blind chance has little to do with anything.
In my case, ‘chance’ was only my ignorance of the state of my engine (loose wire or ruined block). Anton Chigurh’s coin tosses are much the same. The laws of physics (mostly Newton’s) will ‘decide’ heads or tails, and what we refer to as ‘fate’ is a concept based only on our ignorance of the state of the world, or an aspect of it. But I’m starting to ramble, aren’t I? (And anyway, Schrodinger’s Cat is a more complex issue…)
Where I am now. This very moment.
My decision or non-decision to do myself in had nothing to do with my being a ‘failure’ in life or whatever. ‘He fucked up his life and decided to end it,’ is not and will never be an issue with me. I’ve thought about this and come to the conclusion that I know more about HTWRW than… almost anyone else on the planet.
Now that is success. What more could anyone ask of himself?
My only real fear is that I will become unable to know more.
Allan
As you may have figured out, it was a ‘loose wire’. The rest of the reasons why I’m back on the road and not living on a boat will be dealt with in the next couple posts.
The previous posters have already said what I would have. You’re a treasure and have done more to educate others than anyone can measure. Be well.
Thanks for all the encouragement, folks. I am online just for a moment but will try to write another post tomorrow. Wish I could answer each one, but am losing the connection….
Allan, I’m thankful it was a loose wire and you are still writing and what you post, I’m never board.
‘No Country…’ – I’ve come to this slow realization (during my process of fully waking up) that the good-ol-US-of-A (and most, if not all, other countries included) is now long gone and wish for everyone to wake up. At least that’s how I interpret your title.
Since the boat and most of your money are ‘gone’ as you put it – I’m surprised at this because you’re no old fool. I’ll have to wait for you next post what went wrong.
PS – you mentioned back a few posts that you were gonna expose Joe Rogan. I hope you still do and understand if you don’t being that you most likely have more important matters to deal with first.
Best wishes and keep writing!
allan-
you done good on the latest post. i wasn’t bored. NOW i’m hooked for a while, at least till i read the rest of the missing houseboat story. or better yet, till i see the drone footage of you and steve fighting and trying to renege on your newfound friend-“ship” agreement.
the dying and oldtimer’s stuff is nothing the rest of us aren’t also dealing with. i have the answer to that dilemma. i can’t share it because it’s a zen koan but if you guess it right, i’ll say, “bingo”.
it may be time to let go of HTWRW and begin unraveling the mystery of HTURW. (Universe)
you’re on the right track with electric universe and electric sky. you even captured some rarely seen evidence with your sky timelapse in the desert. i’m half serious!… which is excessive for me as a self-unemployed comedian.
everything is perfect just as it is right NOW… but relax, it’s changing rapidly. 🙂
-el dust
Allan;
Sorry to hear of the lost “water adventures” but glad ya have yer wheels still. Understand bout the self check-out, glad you’re not there yet. Does’nt feel to me like you’re even close, long as ya keep the grey firing with your writing and musing. Be well wild uncle, keep the road rollin under you…
You can check out any time you like, but……
What do you think happens next?
Glad your wire broke!
This has got a Hunter S. Thompson feel to it … he couldn’t do the crazy shit he wanted to anymore, but I think alcohol & a life-time of controlled substances may have had something to do with it and he didn’t buy a boat.
Visit http://neverleavetheplayground.com/ He can help you stay young. He is an amazing person that has done so many things.
Will you read my book before you off yourself? It is called Florida Boys and it is about 45 years of pot dealing. I need someone to tell me how shitty it is.
Hi Allan
No more boat ? How’s that ?!
You did scared me with your coin and the issue of the car’s man diagnostic… Glad it was wire!
I do get you, but it’s just an engine. You would probably find a motorbyke, with a side car for Gus , and you would keep going, for sure. Hope you’re ok. Seems you haven’t found the place were you would like to settle.
Gear, is just material you can replace.
(In case of too much pain, please combine the three solutions,gas+pills+gun,might work!)
Wanted to say something about gone parents, but it would be too long, and English is not my native tongue. Seems we have to learn to let go certain things in life, and nothing prepares us for the lost of Mom and Dad. But we are supposed to turn poisons (mind poisons), into Elixirs.
Hope you’re both ok. No boat… can’t believe it…!
ps how can I manage to send you 100 bucks for gas,without a credit card ?
“In life only a trembling leaf separates us from great happiness and extreme despair.”
Ah yes. Planning a good death? It is possible and wise, I’ve helped a couple of people go humanely and completely believe in it for myself and others.
But …not so fast.
We are the same age, in good health, I assume you are since you’ve lived an incredibly physically active life as far as I can tell.
Sorry to learn of the passing of your parents, Alan.
You are welcome to rest awhile in Petaluma.
Warmly
You were missed … reading your words helps keep this old mind plugging along. Be well, stay safe and God bless.
I resemble those remarks. And I don’t intend or try to fight aging as much as I try to get as much out of this body while I am here. Death is not tragic…Not living while alive is! As long as you travel & seek …the opportunity to learn is there. Learning languages is another good way to help keep the mind sharp. We need fresh new things which is harder as we age…language and travel are always available for that part of our brains:)
I remember the scene in the movie. Hit home. Que wow.
Glad you are still with us.
Can’t wait to hear what happened with the boat- really sorry it didn’t work out.
Your mom was so beautiful in her picture. Taking her to the beach and the kind cop.
Thanks for sharing that. You did good there,
Best wishes.
Realized too late that I was not clear- I meant the scene in your movie.
I was getting a little worried about you my friend. I relate to and share your insights via caring for your Mom in her final months. I had a similar experience with my Dad and terminal lung cancer back in 2013, and have been caring for my Mom and her progressing dementia since 2011 (she turns 94 next month). I’m certainly VERY happy it was a loose wire! For what it’s worth, I have witnessed the progression of classic dementia (vs. Alzheimers) up close in more than one case, and in my opinion that is not what you are demonstrating. I’ve come across few minds as penetrating and functional as yours, and you and I did not even get to know each other until you entered your seventh decade. You and I have discussed how disturbing it is to experience diminishing cognitive capacity (just a few short years ago I could barely care for myself with a combination of Lyme disease and toxic mold illness). No outsider can truly evaluate our personal understanding of our own mental state…but in my opinion you are still very much operating in the upper echelon of the people I’ve ever known. Shoot me an email and let me know where you and Gus are heading, and Drew and I will make a plan for a road trip. Here’s to loose wires…and loose cannons!
I’m thankful that “fate” has granted you more time. Much more, I hope, as I too would miss your insights and writing. Please fill us in soon about what happened to your boat and money. I feel a terrible sense of loss and whenever you can stand to tell it, i want to know. Take care, Allan!
Allan, I enjoy your writings and research. There will always be more for you to know. Heaven exists. I know this for a fact. I was shown. Don’t end your life because of fear. Old age requires great bravery but also imparts great wisdom to those of us who are younger and may know less. Never doubt how much you contribute and how many you touch. Thanks for continuing to share. Happy Trails until next time!
Food…dude…always cook your own meal…dont go at resto or buy any prepared meal…be carefull the meat you eat. Personnaly i only eat fish and chicken as meat (rarely duck)…eat vegetable and fruit from biological farm if you can….stay away (run a fast a you can) from McDo, Harveys, Br King, PFK, Wendys they are place made by the damned…FYI you can found ODB scanner on Ebay. For 60$ you can found a decent one…personnaly i even have one at 20$ and it do the thing…My dad die in severe suffering du to cancer it was a relief when they give him the final shot, to see him like this will follow me all my life. So I can understand your DIY solution…Do you try catch some fish from your boat house ?
Spot on – we all should be eating mostly non-GMO, Organic, grass fed whenever possible. All grains should be avoided too or limit. They appear to be linked to auto-immune disorders.
It’s nice to have our friendly neighborhood agencies looking our for our best interests when it comes to our human health, such as Big-Ag, Big-Pharma, Big-WesternMedicine, and any other Big-agency you wish to add 😉 Without them, we would certainly not be here discussing the mischief/hell we are in.
I dont eat weath or rice…quinoa is my replacement…i also replace potatoes with sweet potatoes…since i change my way to eat my guts thanx me every day…
Thank you, Allan! You’re writing and eloquence are as sharp (sharper even) as ever. Reading your thoughts and observations is truly insightful and helpful for bringing context and sense to HTWW.
The comments and memories about your mom are poignant and educational. There’s little I’m
Aware of that discusses and prepares people for those experiences. Being able to read about it, such as you reflect both here and in your books, is greatly appreciated and deeply meaningful.
I miss your surfing but I’d miss you and your writing even more.
Thank you for who you are and what you share.
Agreed!
Nice to hear from you again.
My parents are in the mid-seventies (of age), and some changes in diet and lifestyle stopped a similar downturn, and reduced med-intake to a minimum. Just saying …
> Addendum: That all vehicles from about the mid 1990s on are under the ‘control’ of an onboard computer is a subject that should be of great interest to any thinking person. >When you have a moment, look into how journalist Michael Hastings died. Also, another Carrington Event would likely permanently disable every vehicle…. ahh, never mind for now.
Being someway involved in this business, that’s not really the frightening part. Program-controlled electronics in cars is around for much longer.
The scarier part is: from about the mid-2000.th ( I think 2004), the US regulation requires every newly permitted car to have GSM access to the ECU. GSM is the mobile phone standard (ECU the main vehicle controller). Don’t need to tell you, GSM is two-way.
So, no wonder certain persons just didn’t stop at police stops and got perforated with bullets, or drove against a concrete pier on a straight highway for no apparent reason.
There was even a publicised event some while ago, where some “hacker” drove the Land Rover into a creek by remote control, with the owner helpless on the wheel.
Glad to hear from you again, Allan. Looks like Universe has a little more in store for you yet!
Two thoughts about forgetfulness, btw:
1) I was writing a check. Let’s imagine that the actual date was “June 3, 1984”. As I moved to write the date, I had a kind of mental hiccup, and realized that if I hadn’t caught myself, I would have written “September 28, 1977” instead. No idea why; neither the actual day nor the imagined one held any significance. But I made a note of this event, ‘cos I was 30 years old at the time. So it’s going to take a lot more than an occasional mistake for me (now 64) to regard such things as “senior moments”.
2) Memory seems to work via associating one thing with another. The older we are, the more associations we have made; we’ve experienced so much more. Especially someone like you: someone who has sat at the same desk for 40 years has only slightly-nuanced “new” experiences compared to your highly-varied ones. The upshot is, older people tend to take *longer* to remember something, like a name — because of having a much more complex network of associations to find a path through to the answer — but are in fact more likely *to* remember, than a young person.
My mom checked herself out, just shy of her 80th birthday. I have missed her, but I didn’t begrudge her that in the least.