The Amish Effect

It really does just keep getting worse.

In a comment yesterday I told you that I’d be writing about my experience with a group of Amish folks who pulled up in a bus for a day at the beach just yards from my sandy niche here on the Gulf Coast. Well, okay, here we go.

The bus pulled up as I was looking into the possible ‘supernatural’ (inexplicable via the current, understood ‘laws of nature’) injection of emoticons in the King James Version (KJV) of the Bible. I’d found a pretty good video, although it was ‘faith based’ as opposed to hard on evidence, which is what we’re interested in here. Still, I recommend it, even for those who continue with ad hoc explanations for the various robust examples of the phenomenon. If you go about half an hour into the video you’ll find the 40 examples given of ‘smiley face’ emoticons in the current KJV.

A couple things before I get to the Amish part of this post. The various translations of the Bible were generally if not wholly done by masters at the craft/art of translation to English from archaic languages. Look into it (I did). These were men (and a woman or two) who not only knew the languages well but were dedicated to a word-accurate translation. This is important, in the present example (emoticons in the KJV) in that usage of a colon immediately followed by a right paren – in other words, a smiley face – has no use or history of use in the English language. Maybe take the time to look at the examples given in the video and please explain how experts in language could insert those goddamn things into a work of this importance (if only historical).

(To those of you who disclaim the use of ad hockery in your explanations of the various MEs: I’m interested in how you explain this one, i.e., ‘Emoticons are a little known olde English tradition’ or some such.)

Anyway, so I’m in my rig squinting at emoticons in my hard copy Bible and look out the front windshield to see about a score and a half of genuine Bible-thumpers piling out of a huge bus right there in front of me, as if their appearance was either divinely ordained (for my benefit), or one helluva coincidence. (That the folks were Amish was obvious from their dress.)

In mere minutes I zeroed in on the male with the longest, greyest beard, figuring that, Number One, he’d be the most learned in the intricacies of the Good Book, and, Number Two, he was old enough so that the changes were most likely to have occurred after he’d learned his scriptures.

After a short intro (‘I’m over there in the RV,’ etc.) I asked him if he was familiar with the Bible passage that says ‘The lion shall lie down with the lamb’; I even mentioned the book of Isaiah and that the verse refers to how things’ll go when Jesus returns to straighten the world out.

‘Yes,’ the man, whose name was David, replied. He was indeed familiar with the passage.

‘King James Version, right?’ I was setting David up for some boom-lowering.

‘Yes, the King James Version. Isaiah 11;6,’ he said, referring to Chapter 11, Verse 6.

‘Sorry, David, but you’re wrong. In fact, no where in the Bible is it written that ‘The lion shall lie down with the lamb.’ I was respectful in tone but adamant. David stared at me, smiling, and I won’t say condescendingly. He is not that sort of man, being a devote Amish. ‘You recall that passage, though, don’t you?’ I added to break the silence.

‘Yes, of course I do,’ David said, still smiling pleasantly.

‘Do you have a Bible handy?’ I wanted to know. ‘If not, I have one in my RV.’ I gestured to my rig, 10 yards away.

There was a guy standing a yard or two nearby and here he injected himself into the conversation. He would tell me his name, but in my (coming) aggravation toward him – if not outright loathing – I have forgotten it. At this point I merely noticed that he was not dressed as an Amish, although he was definitely with the group. (I very much regret that I didn’t get the details of what he was doing on the bus.) We’ll refer to him as The Hypocrite. (Right: Why not?)

The Hypocrite had a Blackberry device in hand and sort of waved it. ‘Of course it’s in the Bible,’ he said, referring to the lion/lamb passage, and smiling from behind his hip shades. He started pecking at his keyboard. I turned back to David. ‘David,’ I said, ‘I believe there have been changes made to the Bible, supernatural changes. You won’t find the lion and lamb laying together any more.’

The Hypocrite was squinting now, pecking his Blackberry faster. To both of them I then opined that there is Evil afoot, and that the End Times may be very near. I didn’t necessarily believe this, but I thought it a good ‘translation’ to the biblical way of thinking.

I’ll not stretch this out further than necessary, for I’m already getting disheartened in the writing…

At that moment I wasn’t much interested in The Hypocrite’s rising panic as he worked feverishly on his blackberry, looking for the lion and lamb quote. He may have been ‘on the bus,’ but he wasn’t Amish. I had a grey-bearder in suspenders right in front of me and wanted to stay with him on this subject. ‘There are other changes, David,’ I said, ‘and I’d like to see what you think of them. Can we refer to your Bible?’ I assumed he had one handy.

‘It’s not handy,’ David said. I briefly wondered if David was actually lying to me, but what I said was this: ‘I have one. Shall I go get it?’

David was still smiling amicably. But he said, ‘No, I’d rather you didn’t.’

I turned to the Hypocrite and asked if he had a hard copy of the bible with him. No, he didn’t. ‘This is just as good,’ he said, referring to his Blackberry.

‘Really?’ I said. ‘If we’re going to look for changes, supernatural changes, in the Bible, wouldn’t you prefer a hard copy?

‘Doesn’t matter.’ I was thinking that any devout religious type who figures that — in the matter of supernatural changes — the Net is as reliable as a hard copy is either pretty dumb or not as devout as he thinks he is. Wait. Both, actually. Dumb and not devout. The Hypocrite had ceased his pecking and was now staring mutely at the ‘berry’s screen. I knew precisely what he was looking at.

‘It’s a wolf now, isn’t it? Isaiah 11;6?’ This was me speaking. ‘The wolf is lying with the lamb.’

‘The Bible hasn’t changed.’ This was the best he could do, although, as I would soon find out, the wheels were turning. Turning in my direction.

I looked at David and asked him if he uses the Lord’s Prayer and he assured me that he did. I asked him to just start it. ‘Bear with me,’ I said. ‘Just the first four or five words.’

‘Our Father who art in Heaven…’

I interrupted. ‘That’s incorrect. It’s ‘Which art in Heaven.’ (That the change to ‘which’ could be a sly homonym with ‘witch’ just this moment occurs to me… more on this later.)

There was a young guy behind The Hypocrite, seated in a chair leaning against the bus. Amish garbed, a handsome tow-headed kid in his late teens, smiling amicably at me, listening. I inquired how he begins the Lord’s Prayer. He leaned back and stared straight up. Didn’t answer. Meanwhile, The Hypocrite was back on his blackberry. Unfazed, I asked the kid if he used the phrase ‘Forgive us our trespasses’ in the prayer. No answer. Stared straight up. His body language somehow told me that he was trying his best to be polite even as he ignored my question.

The Hypocrite piped up, answering my question: ‘Yes, ‘As we forgive those who trespass against us.’ The way he said it, I got the impression that he was somehow forgiving me for some such trespass. In retrospect, he may have been right. In a way I was trespassing, I suppose.

Find it in the Bible, I suggested.

As The Hypocrite pecked, I turned back to David. I tried to include his wife, who was sitting beside him in a full-length black dress and white head covering, in the following, . ‘Does the Bible refer to men breast-feeding babies?’

David didn’t respond but excused himself politely. He and his wife rose and crossed to the beach, just a few feet away. With the Amish kid still staring… well, heavenward… and seemingly out of the conversation, it was just me and The Hypocrite. And it was all down hill from there.

He couldn’t find the Lord’s Prayer (as he says it) in his Blackberry Bible. But still, ‘The Bible hasn’t changed.’

I’ll only cover as much of the rest of this as is necessary to impart a sense of why yesterday was such a bad day for me. By a ‘bad day’ I mean in the sense of too much stuff. Too much evidence that human beings are not only capable of monumental (unspeakable) hypocrisy, but that such a condition is very close to being the default setting.

The Hypocrite not only did not believe that changes have occurred in the Bible, but he would not look at evidence unless I tricked him into doing so, or in one case stuck it right in his stupid face. In the meantime, he insisted that the End Times were here. (In my attempt at brevity you may miss the point that I really tried to show him passages that would… or might… back up my assertion that all was not well with the Good Book.)

When I would ask The Hypocrite a question, and for quite a while they were very reasonable and respectful, he would always respond by inquiring something about my private life. It only came up later where he was going with this, but at one point he asked if I was married. No. Ever been? No. Have I had sex with a woman? Yes. How many? About a hundred and twenty. (I explained that I knew the number because I’d written a memoir that required me to self-reflect on the subject.)

I did ask him how many women he’d had sex with. (Yes, I’m hurrying through this, leaving out a bunch.) None, he said. ‘I’m virgin.’ (Not ‘a’ virgin.) When I asked his age he said he was 29. (For some of you this may explain everything about him: severe back-up-age and so forth. I won’t argue the issue.)

At some point – and I have to repeat that he refused to answer any of my queries, always responding to a question with a question about my sinful past – I repeated the query about the Bible referring to men breast-feeding babies.

‘Of course not.’ Finally an answer. By then I had grabbed my bible – I’ve already told you guys the story about how I came across it on the road – and opened it to Numbers 11:12 (which I’d marked). ‘Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child, unto the land….’

Then, before he could ask me anything, I went to Isaiah 49:23 and read aloud, ‘And kings shall be thy nursing fathers and queens they nursing mothers…’

‘I guess you didn’t remember those passages when you denied the reference.’ He answered with a query about my sex life, segueing into an explanation of how I carry the sins and iniquities of each woman I’ve had sex with outside of marriage.

‘Wow, I guess I’m pretty loaded down then,’ I replied, words to that effect. I added this question: ‘According to the Bible, if any of those women I had sex with get married, what should happen is that the new husband drags her to her father’s door, where she should be stoned to death by anyone passing by. I mean, since she’s not a virgin.’ (Yes, this is in the Old Testament.)

The Hypocrite was intimately (so to speak) familiar with this beaut of a piece of wisdom. ‘Yes, she should be stoned to death, true.’

‘You approve of that?’

Here The Hypocrite truly was in his element, since the answer had to do with me, and my promiscuities. Or so it seemed. See, God insists that the non-virgin be stoned to death to… I’ll try to get this right… end the transmogrification of the evils and iniquities that had been passed down through the non-virgin’s family for 10 generations (or less, I think, but it might have been more). When you have sex with a woman, The Hypocrite told me… you take on all the… whatevers that the non-virgin’s ancestors have perpetrated and so the killing of the non-virgin is actually an act of mercy, in the long run.

Trust me that if I erred in the above recollection it was on the side of giving this raving lunatic a break, in terms of logic and mercy and all around human kindness. Looking into his eyes I could easily picture him pitching in in the death-stoning of another human being.

One subject of our discourse I will not much delve into was that of slavery. When I brought up the subject, The Hypocrite smugly informed me that according to scripture, according to his merciful God, slavery only ‘lasted’ seven years, as if he’d made a profound point regarding… presumably… something…

This sort of ‘communication’ went on for waaay longer than it should have, and I just don’t have it in me to subject you to much more of it, and anyway, The Hypocrite and his beliefs are not the point here, since I was interested in the Amish view, and, as stated, he was not formally one of them. So I have to segue back to grey-bearded David; I hadn’t given up on him.

Aside from my parting suggestion to The Hypocrite that he get the fuck out of my face and away from my door (he had approached my rig, my home, and said through my screen door that he had ‘one more question’), the only other colloquy worth relating was my on-the-beach offer to lend him my laptop (which I had in hand) so he could watch a video made by a ‘real’ Christian and which might enlighten him as to possible Bible changes better than I could. To which, as usual, he responded with his own query, to wit: ‘How much of the occult have you indulged in?’ Not Are you into the occult? That was a given. He wanted to know how much.

I immediately knew where this one came from: It was his rationalization for not paying attention to any evidence that Satan might be currently at work with his Good Book. See, in response to his assertion that we are indeed in End Times, I’d pointed out that changes in the Bible would certainly re-enforce this observation. Wouldn’t it? So shouldn’t he look into it? Point being: I was now either the hand of Satan or even the Big Guy himself. Therefore paying attention to me or, indeed, to any evidence I might come up with, would be… I dunno… sacrilegious?

But his occult accusation pissed me off, so I asked if he was aware of Scriptural approval of homosexuality. Right. I was seeking to… get his goat (a Biblical reference, no?) Before he could finish his response, which was still another question about my past, I stuck my hard copy Bible right in his face, already open to St Luke, with 17:34 underscored in red. (The context is that when the End Times come and Jesus plucks the believers off the face of the earth for the ride to heaven, certain folks will get to go, others will not.)

..in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, the other left [behind to rot on earth]’

and the very next verse, #35 reads:

‘Two woman shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, the other left.’

‘What are two men doing in one bed?!’ I snarled in The Hypocrite’s face. The fucker was, for once, speechless, meaning question-less. ‘Even taken separately but certainly taken together the reference is to two fags and two lesbos, and means they can go to heaven with Jesus!’ (Later The Hypocrite would approach my screen door as described. Aside from that, I had nothing more to say to him.)

I walked directly over to David, who was back in the chair I’d first met him in, probably an hour ago. I was still clutching my laptop and my Bible. I sat down and smiled — so far as I know, he had not been privy to any of my exchanges with The Hypocrite.

I explained my genuine concern that bad things might be happening to the Bible and that I had a video on my laptop, all set up for him to watch, and which would explain my concerns better than I could. As I did with The Hypocrite, I suggested he go into the bus, sit down and watch it. I added that I really needed help with this. Counsel. I was in distress, I said. (My impression was that the Amish are supposed to help those in need. And I was in need. More or less. Okay, maybe not in distress.)

Wouldn’t do it. Said he wanted to enjoy the beach or some such. I can tell you, this deflated me way more than The Hypocrite’s insane ramblings. I can’t say that I was surprised, though.

#

Regarding the St Luke verses — which are obviously saying that homosexuals can go to heaven like everyone else, a concept completely foreign to what the Scriptures purport to say (notwithstanding all the other blatant contradictions) – I have seen/heard many serious Bible-believers say that the original KJV (not the new, ME Bible) actually reads:

‘A man and a woman in bed together…’ and ‘Two women grinding grain…’ (not ‘grinding together)

To those who would leave comments that they are disappointed that someone of my pedigree would believe in bull shit like the ME – if you are really honest in your claim to be critical thinkers – I suggest you really give the Biblical issues a serious look. For me, these changes are different from the ones in popular culture, in that many of them are not random, but rather are sly and purposefully demeaning, like the references in St Luke. (And hence the ‘which/witch’ possible homonym, although I agree it’s a bit of a stretch. On the other hand, those bastards are like that. See my posts on The Most Dangerous Book for how subtle they can get with their imagery. )

It doesn’t matter if you believe in the divine provenance of the Scriptures or not (I don’t). It’s no different from the occultisms I’ve pointed out in the events of 9/11/01: What’s important is what the PTB believe.

Okay. Enough. One last thing. I did a little searching about the Amish and this part of Texas. Found out that after the hurricane in 2017, a bunch of Amish from up north came down to help clean up and rebuild. Just showed up with tools and so forth (they are great craftsmen) and their wives and kids and all pitched in. For months. 

David’s group was among those who came to help. I know this because I found a photo from a local newspaper from the time and he is in it. But my point is not that David (and his folk) are good people, although they clearly are. My point is more along the lines of how Evil can triumph when good men do nothing.

Allan

I’m sure The Hypocrite was not amongst those who came down to help. His thinking was probably along the lines of ‘If there was a hurricane, it was God’s will.’ Maybe someone had to go, like the non-virgin who needed stoning to death, for the sake of the long run.